Tips to Tame the Bully Within

Sometimes, I must confess, I am a bully.  A big, bad, mean, compassionless bully. Not to my friends, or my family (I hope).  I don’t yell at my kids a lot, and I try really hard not to be manipulative.  I’m not that kind of bully.

But still, at times, I own the title and wear it all too comfortably.

So are you, by the way.  A bully, I mean.

Because if you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself all too often, you’d undoubtedly be earmarked as someone to fear or avoid.

Forget the playground or the water-cooler, the family dinner table or the world of transportation.  There are external bullies everywhere we go.  But none is more dangerous than the bully who resides within.

I have met very few people in my life who don’t live with an internaIized bully, the ultimate gremlin (read one of the blogs I wrote on  “Taming Your Gremlins”).  I often tell my clients to “Put the Stick Down.”  It’s amazing how much time we all spend hitting ourselves over the head. 

“I’m such an idiot.” “How could I have been so stupid?” “What was I thinking!” or maybe, “I can’t do anything right.” “There’s no way I can do that,” or “Why would they want me, anyway?”

You know the messages.  Unfortunately, you also know how to wield them like a knife.

In the world of bully-curricula, there are three major players:  the bully, the victim, and the bystander. Your “Bully Within” has enormous power because she gets to play all the parts, she knows them intimately, she gets a lot of rehearsal time, and she never forgets her lines!

Now, this bully doesn’t operate alone. Like Malfoy and his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, the “Bully Within” is guarded closely and constantly reinforced by the world of popular culture  -- television, movies, magazines, etc. The internal bully gets its weapons, and an unending supply of ammunition, from living in our modern society.

We receive the messages of our culture –we should be thinner, smoother, smarter, sexier. It almost doesn’t matter what the ‘er’ is, our “Bully Within” reminds us that we are not all that!  

She interprets social images cruelly, and then turns on herself like the detonator on a bomb—it’s going to go off, and it’s going to take you with it.

So how do you mollify the bully within? 

Here’s What I Know:

Awareness is a huge first step.  Pay attention to the messages you tell yourself.  If you hear yourself saying things you’d never say to your friend, lover or child, then stop.  Question your own veracity.  It is REALLY true that you were stupid, or was it an honest mistake?  Stand up for yourself.

Next, stop making yourself wrong. Vow to learn from your mistakes.  You’ve likely heard me say this, but it bears repeating:  you cannot learn to walk without falling, or speak without babbling.  Mistakes are a necessary component of learning. You CAN make a mistake without being a bad person. Cut yourself some slack.

This next one may seem counter-intuitive, but go with me:  start taking responsibility for your actions without making excuses or blaming others.  After a little while of “owning your stuff,” it’s amazing how easy it is to separate the “stuff” from your personal worth.  I started doing this by not making up excuses about being late – a huge issue for me.  Once I was able to accept myself – to say, ”Wow, I’m sorry, I just didn’t leave enough time,” I earned greater respect from others, and I started to put the stick down. 

Another way of saying this is: accept the “oops” factor of life.  Really, most of the time we spend berating ourselves, what’s the big deal, anyway?  WE are usually the only ones who really care.

For the bullying about body image, appearance, and other matters that are only moderately within your control, curiosity is a helpful tool.  I urge you to take on a reporter’s mind.  Is it REALLY true that everyone else is thinner, more beautiful and smarter? Really? WHY is it important to look as though you’re 30 when you’re well into your 40s? Is wanting to lose 15 pounds really the same thing as being fat?  The list could go on…you get the picture.

So, what do you do to stand up to a bully when the bully is you?  Find your compassion for all the players – the bully, the victim and the bystander.

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This blog also appears as part of my regular column on ShareWiK.com.