6 Easy Steps to Change a Midlife Crisis into a "Midlife Review"

When was the last time you took a good look in the mirror, a long look into your own eyes, and faced yourself head on?

What do you see when you look into the mirror?  More importantly who do you see?

Do you notice only new wrinkles and lines, and focus on the exterior? Or can you look deeply into your own eyes, recognizing the wisdom you have gained from a life of experiences lived and learned?

Are the voices in your head rushing to self-judgment? Or are they willing to see through to the depths of your soul, your longings, your dreams, your vision?  Do you see only your mistakes and flaws, or can you muster enough self-love to accept and learn from your past experiences?

There are many motivations to dig deep, to examine and come to new understandings of yourself.  Some experiences--hardships or dreams fulfilled—are often accompanied by a period of self-exploration.  Or perhaps you are aware of an internal sense that there is something more for you, inviting you to seek change. 

Self-discovery is a familiar process. We watch toddlers separate from parents, pre-schoolers individuate into elementary students, and teenagers maneuver through adolescence in constant search of self.  It surfaces again in our twenties, and then goes dormant for a few years while we get busy with the business of establishing careers and families.

And then, in our 40s, it starts anew.  The quintessential “Mid-Life Crisis” is really just another manifestation of the search for self. 

When we respect the urge for self-searching, we are pro-active.  We focus on ourselves with intention.  And the existentiality of mid-life helps us create a context for the second half of our lives.  It propels us forward into a life of meaning and contribution.  The outcomes can be extraordinary. 

When we are caught off guard, or we fear the call for deeper understanding, we can be reactive.  Then, the process of self-examination can be destructive, or at the very best neutral.  It can lead to sports cars, nips and tucks, and trophy spouses.  And while this is certainly fun (for some) for a while, there lacks a meaty sense of purpose.  The outcomes are often unfulfilling.

The trick is to avoid getting stuck on the surface.  Too often, we get the physical changes all tangled up with our personal growth, and we lose perspective about what is really important.

In examining life in the middle, we make choices along a spectrum: we can choose to embrace the wisdom of “saging” (and I don’t mean using an herb to cleanse your house), or attempt to defy aging in search of the fountain of youth.  Which do you want to choose?

Several years ago I took the position that embracing my age enables me to enjoy the good stuff…the benefits of experience, the power of letting go, the gift of self-acceptance.  I decided to be fascinated by the changes in my body, and the confidence of my years, and seek to create strength where I can. 

So, I choose to marvel at my increasing number of grey hairs, and the new lines which seem to appear daily on my cheeks and around my eyes.  I am amazed at the volume of hair that is shed in the shower, and wonder aloud to my husband, when I can’t remember his name, “When DID we get to be so old?” (Oh yeah, why should I be alone in this process!?).

Don’t get me wrong.  I pluck those stray, crinkly grey hairs when they are sticking out around my face, which I lotion daily with SPF 50.  I’m paying more attention to my appearance than I have since I first had children – and while that’s not saying much, I’m not ignoring my physical self. But I refuse to become more guarded on this journey.  I will not separate from myself now, only identifying with and seeking to reclaim the younger, arguably more ‘beautiful’ me.

In fact, I am growing to enjoy the fact that I’ve accumulated a certain wisdom.  I relish the opportunities for mentorship that present themselves, and I’m clear that there is not a single age I’d ever want to go through again (except for 44.  I really loved 44.)

I secretly even like it when people call me “Ma’am.”  I’ve earned it.

So, I’m throwing down the gauntlet and declaring war on the mid-life crisis.  I propose we reclaim this profound transition and call it a Midlife Review, instead! 

I see the Midlife Review as a sort of a positive, creative, self-directed peer evaluation.

Want to try it?  Here are 6 easy steps: 

• Start by looking deep into the mirror. Go on.  Take a good, long look at yourself.  Can you find the joy in the laugh lines? See the wisdom in your furrowed brow? 
• Next, enlist support.  A best friend, a sister, a coach.  Who in your life is going to tell it to you straight? Who will help you take an honest inventory, avoiding the tendency to be your own jury and judge?  Who will help you see your true magnificent self?
• Consider what you care about most in the world, and ask yourself how you see those values showing up in your life.  Does it feel good, like you are in sync with yourself?  Or, do you find yourself never quite getting to those things you really want to do or care about?
• Genuinely consider your gratitude scale.  Are you consciously thankful every day for the gifts in your life, or do you find yourself feeling a little empty, despite all of the ‘trappings’ of success.  (This is not an indication that something is wrong with you – it is a message that something is missing, and you have the power to do something about that!)
• How are you on the doing/being scale?  Are you racing through life without a moment to reflect? Or are you taking the time to enjoy the precious moments, smelling the roses (literally and metaphorically) along your path?
• As you ask yourself these questions, check in with how gentle you are with yourself.  Are you even remotely as compassionate as you would be with your best friend?  Can you accept the inevitable short-falls as an opportunity for learning, instead of a personal condemnation?

A Midlife Review is not about time running out, highlighting mistakes, or inventorying failures.  This is about consciously looking at where you’ve been, where you are, and where you want to go.  It’s a chance to take your visions and dreams and create a new reality for yourself.

Because now you’re actually old enough and wise enough to figure out what YOU want (not what your parents want for you, what is expected of you, or what the neighbors think). And you’re resourceful enough to figure out how to make it happen!

Whether thrust upon us, or sought by choice, the only true constant in our lives is change.  Why not embrace it and create it, even have some fun with it?  Ultimately, while facing change is a fairly solitary experience, you don’t have to go through it alone.

---

This blog also appears as part of my regular column on ShareWiK.com.