Did I do the right thing to tell my mom about a friend with bulimia?

There is a part of me that is very practical.  Despite my high regard for the right side of the brain, my attraction to musicians and artists and my passionate belief in drawing outside the lines, I’m actually a “straight arrow” at heart.

I believe in doing what is ‘right’ (though not necessarily what is expected), and like any self-respecting youngest child, I’m passionate about what is ‘fair.'

So, even as a teenager, I got the take-home message that health and safety trumped everything else.  I can’t say that kept me from making really stupid choices – it was the 70s after all – but I do recall making a good choice, at least once in high school that may have saved someone’s life.

To do this, I broke the cardinal rule of teenagers:  I told on a friend.  What’s worse, she was in the grade above me!

Four of us ate lunch together every day at school.  There were salads without dressing, low-fat milk, contrasted with a representative sampling of the “mystery meat” offerings for the day, fried okra, dessert (of course).   It was a free cafeteria, so we could grab whatever we wanted to nibble– a teenage girl’s dream: taste it all with no obligation to eat.

After lunch, like clockwork, one of my friends (let’s call her Lara) would take her leave to go to the gym to call her boyfriend.   We thought nothing of it. 

Until one day, the rest of us were hanging around, marveling at all the food we had consumed – there was nothing left on the table!  And then it hit us:  there were no pay phones in the gym.  (Cell phones were not a basic accessory in those days  -- you actually had to put a dime into a payphone to place a telephone call.)  

It clicked.

We figured out what was happening.  Lara was gorging at lunch, and then going to the gym to throw up.  Bulimia.  It had to be – did you see how much food she just ate!?

We discussed it with genuine concern.  What to do?  Tell the school? Confront her?  Choose a teacher we could trust?  What if we were wrong?  She would be SO pissed off. 

Kids’ books and movies are replete with heroes taking matters into their own hands, putting themselves at risk of life and limb rather than calling upon a trusted adult. Harry Potter and Percy Jackson can’t help themselves, and that‘s what makes them such fabulous stories.  But the truth is that those plot lines sorta irk me.  Isn’t there a point when we should be teaching our kids (and adults, to be honest) to recognize when to ask for help?  Now THAT’s a valuable life skill (note to self: write a blog about asking for help)!

Fortunately, I was never as brave as Hermione Granger, and the messages of health and safety had been drilled into me from an early age.  In a fit of momentary brilliance, we recognized that Lara’s problem was outside of our realm – that she needed more help than we could offer.  While we were as stupidly fearless as the average teenager (may I remind you that the term “designated driver” had not been invented?), we had the good sense to know when to draw the line.

In the end, we decided to tell my mom, who was friends with Lara’s mom. My mom took care of it and we never talked about it with Lara.

I tell my kids that they can trust me with any information and I will hold their confidence and that of their friends…unless it’s a matter of serious health or safety (yes, that’s a subjective call, I know), and then confidentiality goes out the window.

I don’t remember my mother being so direct with me about that – but I suspect I got the message somewhere along the line. 

Here’s the take home message is this story and what I’m noticing:

1. Someone else’s life is important enough to risk their anger, or even their friendship. 
2. Pay attention to ‘normal’ issues  -- whether teenagers or adults  -- and watch for signs that something has changed.  If you recognize something going on that might be a health risk, don’t assume everyone else does, too.
3. When health and safety is concerned, other people’s business just might be your business.  There is a fine line between not getting involved, and avoiding the responsibility to help a friend.  Pay attention to your urges to get involved – trust that your heart will guide you well.
4. Ask for help when you really aren’t sure how best to handle an important situation.
5. Sometimes we have to break some rules in the interest of other, more important matters  (we broke the unwritten code of teenage silence).
6. Make sure the children in your life, whether or not they ‘belong’ to you, have a trusted adult that they can go to without fear of recrimination.  Let kids and teens you love know they can trust you.  Teens who have adults they can trust make better choices than teens who don’t.

The girls from the lunch-table and I are still friends—in fact, we saw each other this week.  We have lost touch with Lara, but I hear about her from time to time. 

Many years ago, my mother ran into Lara.  Lara thanked her, and asked that she send a message to me, thanking her for saving her life. Through our intervention, she had gotten the help she needed.  Now, I believe she has a daughter of her own.   I definitely hope her daughter has a good bunch of lunch buddies in high school

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This blog also appears as part of my regular column on ShareWiK.com.