Partnerships show up in many ways in our lives. Marriages are the most obvious, but in truth, every relationship of merit is a kind of partnership.
It is also true that all partnerships eventually come to an end, whether by intent, neglect, or natural life transition. It is not whether partnerships will change that warrants attention, but how.
The concept of "partnership" has been big for me this last year. I've witnessed my husband transition out of a 14 year business with his partner, who also happens to be my oldest friend in the world – talk about the need for careful navigation.
And I've entered into the most consciously-designed partnership of my life, also with my husband. After 19 years together, with the help of a relationships coach, we put great effort into creating a partnership we both only imagined was possible.
So here's What I Know™: ending and beginning partnerships can be messy, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Living fully means being intentional about your life, taking risks, and creating change. When you do that, relationships are going to change along with you.
Below I identify some key "coaching" principles that offer guidance for moving through the maze of changing relationships with confidence and a kind of peace. They will not necessarily offer a clear path, but something here might give you a tool that will be helpful. It is up to you to shape your experience along each step of your journey.
Each principle can be applied to a variety of partnerships. Some will resonate with you, others will not. Assuming, of course, that you want to be "Living on Purpose", which of these topics would serve you best to explore? As you move forward with the constantly changing relationships of your life, what do you want to pay attention to?
- Everyone deserves to live a full life. To do that, we must embrace change. While fear is understandable, change is inevitable. We can stand up to fear with the wisdom and courage that comes from believing that we are, genuinely, worthy of being happy and fulfilled.
- We can make life happen, or let it happen to us. When we choose to embark on our lives, we can navigate the choppy waters and steer ourselves clear to smoother parts of the ride. When we sit passively as if we have no control, when we let life victimize us, we get caught in a whirlpool, spinning round and round. We can see the smooth waters, but they feel out of reach. We may not be able to control all that happens, but we can certainly control how we respond to what happens.
- When we "tolerate" our lives, we lose touch with what we want. "Settling for" isn't very fulfilling. Think about when you get a new car. You begin to notice it everywhere – you become aware of it. The same is true for habits and things we tolerate -- awareness is a powerful tool for change. Once we name what we are tolerating – by writing it down or speaking it aloud – we unwittingly begin to create little changes. The good news, and the challenge, is that we can’t help ourselves. Awareness happens.
- We all have saboteur voices – gremlins – that want us to avoid change. Ever wondered why we tend to stay with what we know, even when we don’t like it anymore? The Gremlin’s goal is to maintain the status quo at all costs, its motto: don’t make a move. The gremlin voice is subtle when it feels the safety of permanence, but gets loud as we start making changes in our lives that move us toward fulfillment. (Check out my April 25 blog for strategies for working with your gremlin.)
- Avoiding failure prevents a multitude of successes. After all, you can’t fail if you don't try. Not-acting based on the anticipation of failure is like bleeding before you are cut. I know this one intimately. For decades, I let the fear of taking the GREs prevent me from going to graduate school. Once I recognized the fear, and accepted the possibility of failing (or not perfecting, but that’s another blog), the change was relatively easy. I just had to get out of my own way. This is so true of relationships – how often do we avoid the “public failure” of ending relationships?
- Life does not usually go as expected. When we are young, we envision a future 'destination', and set out towards it. But our paths are inevitably detoured. For better or worse, we often find ourselves in places very different from our plans. When sailing, a 2% change in course across the ocean will land you on a different continent than expected! The challenge is to get curious about where we are now, without judging ourselves as wrong for having gone off course.
- Say no to toxicity. Sometimes it comes from the outside, and we allow ourselves to stay in hostile situations. Other times it comes from the inside, and we speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to a friend. Either way, we can see when the water is full of garbage. Time and nature will heal polluted waters, or they won't. But you can’t help if you are being poisoned yourself. When its beyond repair – get help, and get out.
- We can create from chaos. We are all survivors of one thing or another. And we are powerful beyond measure. When a mess happens, we roll up our sleeves and clean it up. Any mathematician will tell you that order can be found in chaos. Besides, we survived High School, we can survive anything, right?
- When life transitions lead to separations, there is no need to demonize. Some people tend to make others wrong, to blame, to find fault, in order to let go themselves. Often, the separation is the best thing that can ever happen for both parties, even if they don't know it at the moment. There is no benefit to burning bridges. It adds a layer of negativity that only exacerbates stress. It's not what you do, it's how you do it: choose to keep things civilized.
- Milestones mark our lives. We are inexorably changed after a major life milestone. Like a sculpture carved from a stone, it is a one way process that cannot be reversed. It is no accident that every organized religion in the world has rituals around major life transitions. So whether happy or sad, step into the change that is happening in your life. Accept that this is the time for change, even if you are not clear on the reasons. Choose to learn from it, and make your life happen from this point forward.
FYI:
Elaine and her husband & business partner, David Taylor-Klaus, will be speaking on "Finding Balance Through Partnership" on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 for the Amit Speaker serie
The event is open to the community at no charge. It will be held at Temple Emanu-El at 1580 Spalding Drive, Atlanta, GA 30350 from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
This blog also appears as part of my regular column on ShareWiK.com.